I’m Getting a Divorce (From My TV)

There wasn’t even supposed to be a post today, so you know I must be pissed.

In a move that really shocks nobody, and angers everybody I choose to associate with, NBC is shitcanning its only remaining good shows, 30 Rock, Parks and Recreation, and Community.

NBC has picked up a half dozen new shows for next season and multiple reports say the network will give final shortened seasons to its veteran sitcoms “30 Rock,” “Community” and “Parks and Recreation.”

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Now, this is only my Sweet Spicy Chili Doritos-fueled opinion (they’re not paying me to say that, but I’m enjoying a bag right now and I love them), but I assume that this a reaction to the fact that everyone who watches these shows are intelligent, tech-savvy, and know how to operate their DVRs. We are the hated kids, the ones that spent hours on the computer in the mid-to-late 90′s, raised with a pop-up blocker mentality and a general contempt for advertising.

I don’t own a remote that looks like this:

 Or a TV that looks like this:

I have a remote with multiple skip speeds and the finely honed reflexes that you can only get from decades of Super Mario (on Game Boy, because I’m old-school like that). I am the commercial slayer. As are my compadres, the technologically-savvy who are flocking in droves to internet-based entertainment because, frankly, we’re tired of this slack-jawed-yokel bullshit that’s being put on broadcast television.

I suppose that’s what’s putting the nail in the coffin for these last few good shows. Since we’re not putting out, network execs have decided that they’re done trying to romance us. What’s that snapping sound you hear? Why, it’s just the RUBBER GLOVES OF CONFORMITY. 

On these grounds, I’m filing divorce papers, citing emotional abuse. I’m going to elope with FX and have lots of little Archer babies. So suck it NBC, CBS, and ABC. FOX, you’re still bringing me New Girl. I’ll let you sleep on the couch.

Sadly, we just don’t have any great, classic shows out there anymore. There’s no M*A*S*H, no Star Trek (and the last one was pitiful), no I Love Lucy… The list of brilliant classic TV goes on and on. As the networks’ bottom line chokes out creativity, it’s time to move on to another medium. Too bad that by snuffing out brilliant shows that didn’t bring in two-yachts-and-twenty-hookers money, network TV is eventually going to masturbate itself blind, and then cannibalize itself into obscurity.

I’ll be over here, watching Arrested Development on Netflix and The Guild on YouTube.