‘New Girl’ Is My Biography

I was reluctant to watch New Girl. Between her movie roles and She & Him, Zooey Deschanel is such an icon of the hipster, Manic Pixie Dream Girl lifestyle that I try to distance myself from. But I was intrigued, and it was on my DVR. So I watched it. And my first reaction was, “Zooey Deschanel stole my life!”

However, Zooey didn’t write New Girl, Liz Meriwether did. And so I say “Liz Meriwether stole my life!”

New Girl is supposedly based on Meriwether’s life, but dang, that means the similarities between her life and mine are downright disturbing. Watching New Girl is like looking into a shiny, Hollywoodized mirror, where there’s always great lighting and mascara only runs on cue.

She lives with three guys

This is the biggest similarity between my life and New Girl, and the whole premise of the show. Zooey’s character, Jess, breaks up with her boyfriend and ends up moving in with three bachelors. Hilarity ensues.

In May 2010, I ended a relationship and began talking to my now-boyfriend online. By October 2010 I had packed up my bags and moved across the country, ignoring my parents’ protests and the advice of my friends. I moved into my boyfriend’s house, where he lives with two other guys.

Now I am the weird chick who has three male roommates. Just like Jess.

I usually get a lot of questions, like, “Is it weird living with three guys?” or, “Are they total slobs?” (No, and I’m worse.) But now, everyone is going to think that my home life is like Jess’ even when it’s not. I can guaran-damn-tee you that my roommates wouldn’t serenade me with “The Time of My Life” in public. Or at all.

Random klutzy spazz

Less than two minutes into the show my boyfriend turned to me and said, “Hey, that’s you!” You want to know what Jess was doing? Humping a plant during a strip tease. Yeah, “I’m doing sexy things to the plant,” is my wheelhouse, lady.

At one point Jess sings “her own theme song”. Again, quit stealing my schtick!

And that scene where she has the crazy smile. Well, according to my boyfriend my smile isn’t crazy, but I totally have crazy eyes when I get excited. I can’t help it! That’s the way my face is!

Next time, on New Girl, Jess joins a roller derby league and is adorably bad at it. Because that’s my life.

Nerd references at every turn

Jess: Like Gandalf through Middle-earth?

Schmidt: OK. First thing, let’s take the Lord of the Rings references and put them in a deep dark cave where nobody’s going to find them. Ever.

Noooo. At least my go-to isn’t to Lord of the Rings, but geez, it makes me self-conscious about my consistent use of Star Trek references to get my point across. Which never, ever works. Like in the show.

It’s almost as if New Girl is some sort of identity theft, but instead of trying to steal my money, it steals the very things that make me me. It’s as if it was written just for me, to show me that there are other awesomely dorky chicks out there. Or maybe to slap me in the face and show me that I’m not such a special snowflake, after all.